So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
