i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
