My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I checked into jail on foursquare
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
last night I used snow as a chaser
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