that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
