hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Randomize
