My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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