I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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