Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
