My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
