I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Randomize
