The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
