he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
