I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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