Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
please come you make the beer taste better
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
