Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Randomize
