He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
