Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize
