Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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