I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
