If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
