the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i dont even know how to be here
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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