I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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