do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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