ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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