I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
