if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
He kissed a someone with a penis
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
