We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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