after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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