You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
