Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
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