Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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