Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
