i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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