i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
