I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
