Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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