I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this will be a night to untag.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
