After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Randomize
