final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
