Cold hands, warm shart.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
