Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
