Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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