woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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