Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I want is dick and wine.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
