dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
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