My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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