you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
