i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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