Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
