she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Four minutes until I can fart!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
