You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
